Pirates. I'll tell y'all 'bout pirates!

I go in this bar right, down by the waterfront. Well, back when there was a waterfront with bars. Not the boutique highrise hotel sculpted gardenscape umbrella cafe with sidewalk juggling twots sponging off the bloody tourists but I digress. So there's a guy standing at the end of the bar & he cuts quite an engaging figure. I try to remain discrete & pay no attention 'cause this after all is indeed a waterfront bar  & you know how it goes, I don't want to start anything weird. But there he is. I have to keep glancing down the bar. The three cornered hat & long curly hair is fair enough. The parrot on his shoulder is just odd & well, this is a waterfront bar. At least he ain't carrying a pekinese in a purse. On top of that the long pirate coat & sword hanging from his belt certainly lead one to a certain conclusion. 

But these are merely matters sartorial; could be that he's just in fancy dress 'cause this being a waterfront bar, there are a lot of sailors around. Being open-minded & never having voted Australian Liberal in my life I found myself disregarding the gentleman's attire & accoutrements. However I was fascinated by the more personal aspects of his appearance, namely his wooden leg, the hook at the end of his arm & of course, the ubiquitous black patch over one eye.

He was starting to notice me noticing him & this being a waterfront bar, I didn't want him to jump to any inappropriate conclusions. That sword looked mighty real. So I made a positive step & approached him. He put down his pewter mug, gave me a sideways glance with his one good eye & said gruffly "Argh & what you be wantin' now Young Jim lad?"

"Earle," I replied. "Me… my name's Earle & do you mind if I ask, are you a pirate by any chance?"

"Pirate? Just cuz oi be 'ere drinkin' in a waterfront bar you thinks oiz a pirate?"

"Well, yeah... no but yeah," I stammered. "Not that, what  I mean is, you're wearing the pirate coat a pirate type hat, you've got a bloody great sword & you know, like there's a parrot on your shoulder & all. I kinda thought that yeah, maybe you're a pirate. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

He smirked, drained whatever was in his pewter mug &, careful to use his good hand, wiped his mouth. "Yeah Earle Jim lad, it be true then. Oi indeed be a pirate. Aargh you spied me there fair & square. A pirate I be these many a year."

Feeling more comfortable now I broached the more personal issues. "So if you don't mind me asking, how is it with you pirate fellows that you all follow the stereotype? Swords, hats & parrots is one thing, can you tell me how you come by the wooden leg, the hook & the eye patch?"

Well, lad oi'l be tellin' yuz. The leg, it was like this. There I was, out in me dory one fine day a'fishin' & lordy, up comes this bloody great shark. The blighter jumps at the fish I was landin' & blowed if 'e don't land hi'self in me dory right on top of me. Oi trys to get him outta the boat but the bugger takes me leg off on the way."

"Oh that's terrible," I replied. "I'm sorry for bringing it up."

"Aww then no worries," he says with a smile. "Me shipmates carved me a fine wooden leg & it does me just right."

"Well tell me about the hook then. Was that from the shark too?"

"The hook? Aw no. I got the hook from practicing me sword play on the quarter deck with some o' me mates." The pirate grinned as he recounted the day. "Oh we wuz havin' great sport, leapin' & thrustin' about when all of a sudden oi jibbed when I shoulda gybed & afore yez know it, Whoomp! Me 'and wuz gone just like that."

My jaw dropped in amazement. "Why that's terrible!"

"Oh it ain't no big deal at all young Earle lad. Me shipmates set to & constructs this 'ere 'ook & all. Fits just fine it do  & with all the attachments they made for it, it sure pleases the ladies at parties & all. Aargh yeah, it sure do make 'em go."

I was quite overcome by the pirate's acceptance of these particular tragedies. We stood there quietly for a moment until I asked about the final detail; the eye patch.

"The patch!" He stiffened at the mention of it. "Now that was indeed a cruel blow. But oi'll tell yuz what 'appened. You see, there  I was, standing me watch on the poop deck when all of a sudden like, I 'ears this seagull squawkin' like up in the rigging. So  oi looks up to see what the blighter might be doin' & damned if the lubber don't poop in my eye. Right dead set in me eye as oi wuz lookin' up at him."

"A seagull pooped in your eye? Well that certainly wouldn't be pleasant,"  I said. "But really, do you expect me to believe that a seagull pooping in your eye caused you to lose it? If you don't mind me saying so, it sounds a little far fetched to me."

The pirate's one good eye glistened with the hint of a tear. His gaze lengtheend past me, past the end of the bar room to somewhere far away. "Aargh but yer see doncha Earle lad. That be the day oi got the hook..."

I figure Earle's practising for QOTW but that's toooo long  I do need to point out that if anything original goes in here it should be marked (original)

Grey at April 1, 2012 at 11:48 AM

I figure Earle's practising for QOTW but that's toooo long  I do need to point out that if anything original goes in here it should be marked (original)

Original jokes? Are you kidding, there an't no such thing. Well except for this.... 

What's worse than a woman driver?

A guy that drives like a woman.

[yeah I know... stereotyping, offensive...] 

Austral. Great quips

Did you hear about the dog who had puppies on the street and was arrested for littering ?

Rumpole got mail

Wonderful English from Around the World

In a Bangkok Temple :

IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN, EVEN A FOREIGNER, IF DRESSED AS A MAN.

Cocktail lounge, Norway:

LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.

Doctor's office, Rome :

SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Dry cleaners, Bangkok :

DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant:

CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE, OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the main road to Mombasa , leaving Nairobi :

TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.

On a poster at Kencom:

ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO WE CAN HELP.

In a City restaurant:

OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

In a Cemetery:

PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS, FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES .

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:

GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE, OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.

On the menu of a Swiss Restaurant:

OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.

In a Tokyo Bar:

SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Yugoslavia:

THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE, IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

Hotel, Japan:

YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow Hotel, across from a Russian Orthodox Monastery:

YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY, WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY, EXCEPT THURSDAY.

A sign posted in Germany 's Black Forest :

IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE, THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT, UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Hotel, Zurich :

BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand :

WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen :

WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS. (Just Like British Airways!!!)

A Laundry in Rome :

LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND THEN SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

And finally the all time classic:

Seen in an Abu Dhabi Souk shop window:

IF THE FRONT IS CLOSED PLEASE ENTER THROUGH MY BACKSIDE…

‎

Not bad, Rumpole, but did you hear about the vulture boading a plane with two dead possums?.  The flight attendant looked at him and says "I'm very sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

This is my all time favourite joke from my younger years. (Anyone remember the Banana Splits Show?):

What is yellow and dangerous?      Shark infested custard!

I'm very glad we have this thread :-)

Grey at April 2, 2012 at 7:51 AM

I'm very glad we have this thread :-)

It's just like the weekenders of old, but it's now "open seven days a week and weekends"! 

Einna25 at April 2, 2012 at 9:37 AM

Grey at April 2, 2012 at 7:51 AM

I'm very glad we have this thread :-)

It's just like the weekenders of old, but it's now "open seven days a week and weekends"! 

Good innit??  We don't need Aunty to nanny us.

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall in Jerusalem to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

To check it out, she went to the Wall, and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray, and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"And how do you feel Sir, after doing this for 60 years?"

"It's like I've been talking to a f…..g brick wall."

Good one Para

AnnaLyze. at April 2, 2012 at 5:58 PM

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an Opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer; could remember  everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right.'

Passenger. 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - he was the perfect man. He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman .'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'  

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank.  I just married his f*#king widow.' 

Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure.

Birthdays are good for you - the more you have the longer you live.

Isaw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?"

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

Didn’t get any sleep last night. This girl kept knocking on my door all night! Finally, I decided to let her out.

..Good one Earle.:lol:

Rice Bubbles are perfect for that between meal snack when you only need to eat 2000 of something.

"Wear a watch and you'll always know what time it is. Wear two watches and you'll never be sure."

Just like piccolos. The only way to ever get two of them in tune is to shoot one of them.

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back:

"Pour some luke warm water over it."

Wife texts back:

"Computer completely f***ed now !"