Freshly and unashamedly pinched from another site.

The Ultimate Ethnic Joke.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander and a Californian) , an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and even a Saudi and 12 Africans walk into a fine restaurant

...

Brace yourself....

.............

............

"I'm sorry," says the

maître d' - scrutinizing the group one by one and barring their entrance -

"you can't come in here without a Thai."

Two guys at the bar, one asks teh other, "Tell me, does yoru wife smoke after sex?"

His mate thinks for a minute  & says, "Dunno. I've never looked."

Did you know that if a man chews cardomon pods for a week, farting makes him sexually attractive?

Grey at April 5, 2012 at 8:51 PM

Did you know that if a man chews cardomon pods for a week, farting makes him sexually attractive?

Okay, I'll ask:  Chewing cardamom for a week and farting makes the said man sexually attractive to what species?

Kindest regards

A said "menopausal battleaxe" (and loving it) as described in the Daylight Raving thread!

Grey at April 5, 2012 at 8:51 PM

Did you know that if a man chews cardomon pods for a week, farting makes him sexually attractive?

Cardomon pods huh? Gee I've never heard them called that before.

Well goshdarnit. EQ, you followed the instructons but your pic didn't load because:

(a) The file is too big

(b) The photo is too dang offensive even for a secular Australian audience

(c) The computer just doesn't like you

(d) All of the above

There are seven photos in the EQ folder. A free bottle of holy water  & a shard from the Cross if you can identify which one wouldn't load.

I would hazard a guess Earle but I'm in enough trouble with 'em already. If I was found in possession of holyfied water and sanctified splinters I'd be a goner for sure.

I'll just drop these off.  Some you may not have seen before, but probably not.

Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbour and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. 'Young man, we're both 90 years old, ' the husband said ..'We may not have 45 minutes.' They were seated immediately.

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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

-- -----------------------------------------------------------

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, 'When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?'

Artie said: ' I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man.'

Eugene commented: 'I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.'

Al said: 'I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'

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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks t he Lord... 'God, what does a million years mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A minute.'

Smith asks, 'And what does a million dollars mean to you?'

The Lord replies, 'A penny.'

'Smith asks, 'Can I have a penny?'

'The Lord replies, 'In a minute.'

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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. 'Give me one last request, dear,'he said.

'Of course, John,' his wife said softly.

'Six months after I die,' he said, 'I want you to marry George.'

'But I thought you hated George,' she said.

With his last breath John said, 'I do!'

--------------------------------------

A man goes to see the Rabbi. 'Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it.'

The Rabbi asked, 'What's wrong?'

The man replied, 'My wife is poisoning me.'

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, 'How can that be?'

The man then pleads, 'I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?'

The Rabbi then offers, 'Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know.'

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?'

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, 'Take the poison'

...going through old email jokes so apologies for 'mouldy oldies'.

.

A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.

The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.

The soldier reported, 'I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.' We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.

He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labour dickhead who knows bugger all about running the country.'

'So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!'

He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'

'And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a f *** ing truck hit us.'

"There are seven photos in the EQ folder. A free bottle of holy water  & a shard from the Cross if you can identify which one wouldn't load."

There's only six now.....one seems to have been crucified, died and ascended to ungodly photo heaven.

Multiple Choice Question. 

This dog's name is:

a. Tom

b. Dick

c. Harry.

AnnaLyze. at April 7, 2012 at 4:06 AM

"There are seven photos in the EQ folder. A free bottle of holy water  & a shard from the Cross if you can identify which one wouldn't load."

There's only six now.....one seems to have been crucified, died and ascended to ungodly photo heaven.

 

 

 

Well yeah how 'bout that.... This place has got a bit o' the old ABC stink about it. Lucky I didn't post my pic of the Blessed Prophet. Anyway, all is not lost. There may be only 6 pix remaining but I did some Photoshop on them. If you turn the volume up they'll look sharper.

Just to bump and to let you know - beyond just picked up another survivor, good little lifeboat innit? They'll be here shortly I trust.

paradocs at April 7, 2012 at 8:16 AM

Multiple Choice Question. 

This dog's name is:

a. Tom

b. Dick

c. Harry.

Someone sent me this one already.  I won't spoilt for the others by answering.

They've probably all seen it, I've had it sent twice.

.

My dog is the same 'breed' I've checked her over very carefully for suss markings.    That poor animal will go through life never knowing why people laugh at him.

In the Wingen Pub in Wingen, which is not too far from Scone,

Two men can whinge in tandem, or one can whinge alone.

Or a group can whinge in unison, for in the Wingen Pub,

The whingers in the public bar have formed a Whingeing Club.

They whinge about the weather, price of petrol for the car

And the GST is in the whingers’ repertoire.

They whinge about the price of beef, the falling price of wool,

And one bloke there just loves to whinge about his poofter bull.

They whinge about their relatives, their neighbours, and their friends,

In the Wingen Pub in Wingen, where the whingeing never ends.

The Publican of Wingen pub, an innovative chap,

Thought: "A world wide competition would give the pub some class.

‘Twould be fitting for the Wingen pub, as Wingen is its name,

And whingers whinge here anyway, if whingeing were the game."

So a whingeing competition was arranged, and whingers came

From all points of the compass in search of whingeing fame.

There were whingers from America, and from England too,

Where I’m told that whingeing well is what the English do.

The judges came from Sydney, where the world’s best whingers live,

Each carefully selected, so that they could give

Whingeing credibility; two women, and one man,

Whingers of renown themselves, and so the games began.

Most whinged about their spouses, their bosses, or their farm,

The government, the council, the things that threatened harm,

The Wingen Whingers did OK, and some scored them ahead,

But the Pommy whingers went real well, and most thought that they led,

Then there came a stranger, with a beaten, hangdog look,

Like a cross between a fly-blown sheep, and a worn out battery chook.

But when he started whingeing, it was clear he had the gift,

The kind of whingeing genius that gives the craft a lift.

He whinged about his babyhood, and when he was a lad,

He whinged about his mother, and he whinged about his dad,

His sisters, brothers, cousins, uncles, aunties by the score,

He whinged about his cat and dog, and then, he whinged some more.

He whinged about his physique, from his head down to his toes,

He whinged about the fact that he could never pick his nose

Because his grimy fingernails were bitten to the quick,

And then this whingeing whinger tried another whingeing trick.

He whinged in graphic detail about his operation,

The hospital, the surgeon, the maggot infestation,

Even hardened drinkers thought he’d gone a bit too far,

They had never heard a whinger whinge with whinges so bizarre.

It was worse than sixty minutes, and went on even longer,

He showed no sign of tiring, his voice kept getting stronger,

The judges tried to gong him. He insisted he be heard,

And the ghost of Hanrahan was there, applauding every word.

This whingeing virtuoso had all three judges cringin’

In the whingeing competition in the Wingen pub in Wingen.

He drew a tiny, mini breath. They prayed that he’d run out,

But: "There are some other matters I intend to whinge about...."

"NO MORE!!!" Sobbed the judges. "DESIST. BE QUIET. SHUT UP.

WE DECLARE YOU CHAMPION. YOU HAVE WON THE WHINGER’S CUP!!!"

"It isn’t very big," he whinged. "I thought it would be gold.

And publican, your beer’s too warm, and your pies too cold.

Your bar stools need more padding. You’re air conditioning’s stuffed.

Your TV’s bloody awful, and your clientele’s too rough.

Your toilet’s are disgraceful. You should be arrested,

Your service is abysmal, and your barmaid’s too flat-chested."

The locals threw the champion out. "Begone, and don’t return..

There is whingeing, and there’s whingeing. That’s something you should learn."

Things are back to normal now the whingeing champion’s gone,

From the Wingen pub in Wingen, which is not too far from Scone."

The publican’s had second thoughts. With eardrums badly scarred,

By such high speed non stop whingeing, so now all whingeing’s barred.

But should you want to whinge a bit, or see hows it is done,

Just amble up, in horse week, to the Royal Hotel, in Scone.

**

MEMO: Dear Employees, Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy, Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years of age and above on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to management to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW programme (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Management deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Management.

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from remaining employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL

SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING

(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

Ah, herpes .... that reminds me:

What is the difference between love and herpes?

Herpes is forever.

Either Earles got serious competition or he's had a face lift

In anycase the Whingers of Wingen is going on my fridge.

Grey at April 12, 2012 at 7:25 AM

Either Earles got serious competition or he's had a face lift

In anycase the Whingers of Wingen is going on my fridge.

 

Ehh... No worries. Wingen & Scone are too far north t oworry about. Might as well be in Queensland. 

Moses was a troll???