Love The Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

Paddy was in  New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.   The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .   The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

Very good Rumpole - Why don't they have ice cubes in Ireland? Cos the little old lady who knew the recipe doid.

But my favourite, cos it's true...

A German couple were touring through Ireland in their BMW convertible, swung around a corner enjoying the sunny day, and ended up in the ditch.

" Hey you" the man shouted angrily to the railway guard in the sentry box above the rail crossing, "Why is the gate half open? You could've killed us."

"Ahhhhrrgh to be sure, to be sure", said the man, "we're harf expecting de train".

____

I took the wife to a disco at the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor giving it everything he had; breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

My wife turned to me and said, " See that guy? 10 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

I said, "Looks like he's still f****ng celebrating!!

Love 'em.  What ever would we have done without the Oirish??

 Love 'em.  What ever would we have done without the Oirish??

We would have picked on the Kiwis instead

Did you hear the one about the two British soldiers who were killed in Northern Ireland? They were walking down the street when a tree fell on them.

Authorities believe the tree was planted by the IRA.

--------

And did you hear the one about the Englishman, the Scotsman and the Irishman?

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman. The Englishman said something sane and rational. The Scotsman said something almost as sane and rational as what the Englishman said. Then the Irishman said something weird and stupid …

And everyone who laughed at the joke went home feeling superior to the Irish.

Arrrrgh yer eejit oil dr best oirish jokes come out of oirland. nobody makes jokes about the English, they're too dull.

When God was creating he had two favourite places. He made the men handsome brave and intelligent, the women beautiful, brave and intelligent. He made them all creative in arts and sciences. The land was strong and fertile, the very skyies danced with lights and then god gave them the very best strong drink on Earth, only possible from such clear, peat filtered water. He called the lands Ireland and Scotland.

God called his archangel Michael over for a look. "Whaddya think?" he said. "Well', said Michael, "it's very nice, but don't you think it's unfair to everybody else?"

"You're right", said god sadly, "but look who I gave to them as neighbours".

Ahhhhh it's no joke. Eric has left, thanks for the memories mate.

http://abcwhovians.webs.com/apps/forums/topics/show/7862334-eric-sykes?page=last

An oldie but a goodie... Why did the Irishman wear three condoms?....To be sure,to be sure, to be sure...lol !

Pinched this, hadn't heard it, apologies if you have.

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married Again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "

HUSBAND:"Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)

HUSBAND:(makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND:"Sure, it's a great house.."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND:"Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND:"That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?

HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?

HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."

WIFE: -- silence --

HUSBAND: "s**t."

C-:

When you have an

'I Hate My Job day'

[Even if you're retired, you sometimes have those days]

Try this out:

Stop at your pharmacy and go to the

thermometer section and purchase

a rectal thermometer made by

Johnson & Johnson.

Be very sure you get this brand.

When you get home, lock your

doors, draw the curtains and

disconnect the phone so

you will not be disturbed.

Change into very comfortable

clothing and sit in your favourite

chair. Open the package and

remove the thermometer.

Now, carefully place it on a table

or a surface so that it will not

become chipped or broken

Now the fun part begins.

Take out the literature from

the box and read it carefully.

You will notice that in small

print there is this statement:

"Every Rectal Thermometer

made by Johnson & Johnson

is personally tested

and then sanitized."

Now, close your eyes and repeat

out loud five times,' I am so glad

I do not work in the thermometer

quality control department at

Johnson & Johnson.'

Good one Para.

Reminded me of this one about retirement.

I asked my next door neighbour the other day how he fills his day in now he has retired from work. He said he and his wife were having great fun in their retirement. "For example, the other day we went to town to the shops. We were only in the shop for about 5 minutes, and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?" He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So my wife called him a "doughnut-eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care, we came to town on the bus"

Never too old to 'troll'.

I was visiting my son and daughter-in-law

last night when I asked if I could borrow

a newspaper.

'This is the 21st century, old man,' he said.

'We don't waste money on newspapers.

Here, you can borrow my iPad.'

I can tell you, that bloody fly never knew

what hit it...........

This letter was sent to the South Shields High School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for pensioners. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward this to anyone you know who might need a lift today.

Dear Shields High School ,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Old Age Pensioners luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the Laygate home for Elderly Ladies. All of my family has passed away so I am all alone.... I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.

My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed to have the chance to tell her to f*#k off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Yours sincerely,

Ella.

[Consumer Alert: The following joke may contain Penis content]

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a proferssional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing th esamllest male part the nurse had ever seen. Its length & width was almost that of AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the burse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the mans part, she composed herself. "I am sorry,  I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse & a lady  I promise that won't happen again. Now tell me," she said, "what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bob replied.

She ran out of the room. 

Hahaahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha Very good Para and EQ.